So I’ve been MIA for awhile. I really want to blog. I’m just stuck in a slump.
Let me say this so I am clear. I love that my primary job in life is housewifing. No really. I do love it. Actually the idea of taking on a full time job again any time soon gives me the heebie-jeebies. And lately, with summer vacation the prospect of having to take on a “real” full time job is a real one. My tutoring schedule has been greatly reduced and so has my income. If things don’t pick up, me having to work is a real possibility. One I’m not really excited about.
Add to that a serious bout of self-doubt and self-pity on my part and you have the major reason I haven’t updated since June 3rd.
I love housewifing, but I’m burned out and depressed. I have this tendency to want everything “just so” and in turn I make everything into a J.O.B. I pretty much do nothing if it’s not productive. I feel guilty relaxing and struggle with it. (Those who know me in real life, know I’ve always been that way. I honestly don’t know how to relax.) Even the things I used to do for enjoyment have become a chore.
I read blogs like Thrifty Decor Chick, The Pioneer Woman and others and they seem so together. It all just seems to elude me. I haven’t been keeping all of the balls I’m juggling in the air lately and it has really just shut me down completely. I know it’s not right to compare myself to others but I do. All the time.
For awhile, I had everything on a schedule. I was menu planning and cooking. The house was clean and run efficiently. But one thing in my schedule changes and I’m thrown for a loop. For the last couple of months I have struggled to keep it all together. The Hubs helps. He cooks dinner and helps with the dog and the cleaning…when I let him. I tend to be a control freak (though I think I’m getting better about that). Last weekend he even bought me roses and a special dessert and cooked me a wonderful steak dinner. He wants to help, I just don’t know what to tell him to do.
I look in the mirror and wonder who the overweight person is looking back at me in that yoga pants and over-sized t-shirt uniform. I haven’t had a hair cut since Labor Day (you think I’m kidding). My eyebrows are…let’s just not speak of it. And I try. I really do. I just don’t understand how some people look so put together all the time and I feel lucky if I get out of the house with my hair in a ponytail and some lip gloss on.
Compounding the problem is that we’ve outgrown our apartment and it’s becoming painfully evident. I have reorganized, ruthlessly purged, gotten a storage unit. We want to move, but The Hubs’ project is up in early 2012 so we really didn’t want to move and then have to turn around and move again 6 months later. So we signed another lease. I’m not happy about it but it’s the best we could do at the moment.
I realize that there are people out there in much worse situations than I am. I am very, very blessed that we are healthy; that I don’t have to work, that my husband is as successful as he is and provides well for us (we ain’t rich, but we don’t want for necessities and entertainment). This is just where I am right now. Stuck and trying to figure things out. So I’m sorry that I haven’t blogged. I didn’t want it to turn into me whining all the time and being so “woe is me”. I’m not even thrilled I divulged this much, but it had to come out.
I do have lots of things, happy, fun things to share with you all. If you’re even still reading? I hope so. I’ve wanted to share about my veggie garden so badly, but the words just wouldn’t come. I’m working on it though. Slowly. I just needed some time to get my words back.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend. I will try my hardest to post again in the next few days and share my garden with you. I’ve been so excited seeing the veggies pop up. It’s been one of the few things making me smile lately. Back soon, promise.