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Broken

This is me. Is it narcissistic to take a picture of myself sitting atop my new mattress in my first and now my only home? Probably. Moments before I was sitting in the exact same position, contemplating the last 24 hours; the last 20 months. At that moment I wanted to have a picture of this. I wanted to remember, no matter how painful my life is right now. And make no mistake, it’s painful in ways I didn’t think was possible to survive. I’m stuck. Stuck between what was and what will be. Stuck between three houses in two states and three cities. Stuck between loved and unloved. Stuck between “It’s all my fault.” and “What the hell just happened?”. I wanted to be reminded of what right now looks like. I want to remember that I am broken. I want to remember the mental and physical exhaustion; the…

No, I’m Not OK

All smiles, I know what it takes to fool this town I’ll do it ’til the sun goes down and all through the night time Oh yeah, oh yeah, I’ll tell you what you wanna hear Leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear It’s never the right time, yeah, yeah Sia, Unstoppable No. I’m Not OK. I recently had an exchange with a loved one that went something like this: Them: “You seem to be doing great! Do you even need therapy?” Me: “I’m not doing OK. I’m just incredibly good at hiding it. And yes, I do need therapy because this is not a curable illness.” I hear it a lot though.  “You seem like you’re doing well.” “You’re so strong.” “I don’t know how you do it. You seem so strong. I’d be a mess.” Well, quite honestly, I am a mess. As I write this…

Spring

I grew up in the South (yes, capital S) – Florida to be specific, and there, Spring is it’s own unique thing. Mostly it’s just a time for new tropical flowers to bloom, the weather gets warmer and it’s when we swap out our light jackets and hoodies for flip flops – if we’ve stopped wearing them at all. As an adult, I moved north. Seasons were a new experience for me. Growing up in Florida, we didn’t really have them. The first northern Spring I experienced felt strange. I didn’t realize just how quiet Winter could be until the Spring came and suddenly, and weirdly, I began hearing the sounds of nature again. Birds chirping, squirrels rustling through the brush, the sound of bees floating around the back patio. I hadn’t realized they were gone, but suddenly, there they were again. Depression is a lot like that for me.…

Surviving Seasonal Affective Disorder

Seasonal affective disorder can be a pain, but it doesn’t have to be! With a few simple tips, you’ll sail through the dark days of winter (or at least feel better about it).  One of my diagnoses is Seasonal Affective Disorder. You’ve probably heard of it at least once or twice, but basically it means that since I don’t get enough sun during the winter months, my brain chemistry goes all screwy and I’m more likely to be depressed. Most people like me just call it SAD (Worst. acronym. ever. As if I need the reminder that I feel like crap during the lack of daylight savings time.) Luckily, through the years, and especially the last two years, I’ve picked up a few tricks for my toolbox that make things a bit easier for me. Start a countdown – Remember those paper chains you used to make as a kid?…

My Month of No

You might’ve heard of Shonda Rhimes and her book Year of Yes. I’ve decided January 2017 is going to be my month of NO. No disrespect meant to Ms. Rhimes, but I have to stop saying yes.  I say yes far too much. I love saying yes. I say yes even when I know it’s better to say no. I say yes because I don’t want to let people down. I say yes because I want to help. I say yes because I want to feel like a good wife, friend, or family member. I say yes so much, I “yes” myself to the bottom of my to do list.  It’s unhealthy. So January, I’m not going to say yes. To anything. “Can you help me with…?” Nope. “Could I just come over and…?” No. “Would you like to…?” No thank you. Selfish? Yep. Don’t get me wrong. I love helping. I…

Being Overwhelmed

I’m struggling a lot with being overwhelmed today. Between running a business, running a household and trying to blog, I often find myself buried in a very long To Do list and a very long (and full of longing) Want To Do list. I honestly don’t believe in that thing called “balance”. I don’t think achieving balance is possible. I think life tends to be more of a see saw. Some days we are weighed down in work, others in household responsibilities and on a very few rare occasions (at least for me) we feel light and lifted and are able to have some fun. Today I am weighed down. I’m a people pleaser so I often take on too much (like right now) and spend my days wishing I could tackle the things I want to do, rather than the things I have to do. Instead, I will finish this blog…

What crumbs are you leaving behind?

I rarely share my faith publicly. In today’s world it gets messy pretty fast. But this week as I did my daily Bible reading and devotional and came across a story of a woman who had the courage to confront (yes, confront) Jesus, I felt moved to share. I realize this might not be your cup of tea, but I encourage you to be open minded and give it a go anyway. Hate has been on my mind a lot recently. It’s a hot topic. There are lots of stories in the news revolving around it. We see the world through our own personal experiences and society around us, and y’all, I have to believe that hate is learned. No one is born with hate in their heart. Society teaches us to hate. I’m convinced of that. I also think hate can be spread from the pulpit. Oh, we couch it in “God…

Change, Change, Change…

****Insert awesome, magazine quality photo here because WordPress was being stupid and wouldn’t let me upload**** Change and I are not good friends. Not at all. We’re more like when you see someone at the mall that you knew in high school but you had a mutual dislike for one another and so you do the “look” and maybe the nod, but not the stop and talk. Or worse, we’re like when you see someone who didn’t like you at all in high school but now that you’re adults they seem to have forgotten that and when they see you they go, “Oh my gosh! HEY! It’s so nice to see you!” *gag* Yeah, so we’re not friends. Which is why the last couple of months have been a bit rough, and why I’ve not been around the blog. I mean, no one wants to hear me whine, right? Right. Here’s what’s…

Advice For Graduates (I’m not as old as your mama so you can listen…)

Dear Graduates of 2015 (and beyond), Seventeen (17!) years ago TODAY, I graduated high school. Yes, that’s right. When I was 18 – you were being born. Yes, I’m old. Old enough to know a few things, but not too old to be a fuddy duddy. (Wait, does using the phrase fuddy duddy make me one? Whatever. I’m not that old.) I’m here to fill you in on a few things that will happen or are necessities now that you are full grown adults. And yes, you are. Your parents probably won’t see you that way for awhile, but that’s why I’m here. I know right now you’re probably rolling your eyes because another “adult” wants to give you advice. That’s fine. Just know that when you are almost 36, lots of 18 year olds are going to be rolling their eyes at you too. Karma is like that. Lets get down to business, shall…

Easy Bunny Wreath

Last Friday, I confessed that I struggle a lot with allowing time for myself. So this week, I decided to make a point of it. Even though I should have been putting in extra work hours or cleaning the house, I took an hour for myself over a couple of days and whipped up this “wreath” for Easter. I really wanted time to do more, but such is life. A couple of weeks ago, I ordered this cute bare wood bunny form from Pick Your Plum, personalized with the letter L for our last name. This one isn’t available anymore, but they do things like this all the time so keep an eye out. It was really easy (and relaxing!) from there. I painted it a shimmery pink (Martha Stewart Pink Taffeta) and let it dry overnight. To make the polka dots I used white acrylic paint and used…