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Me and mom on my high school graduation day.

 

Friends, this weekend is going to be extremely hard for me. While most of you are out celebrating either being a mom or celebrating the woman who *is* your mom, I won’t be celebrating. And I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.

You see, I’m 35 and I don’t have kids – not from a lack of trying, it just doesn’t seem to be happening. And yet, I still get “So when are you going to get pregnant?” or “I bet your dad would love more grandkids”, as though it were entirely up to me.

On top of that, I don’t have a mother. She died when I was 27. She didn’t get to see me get married. She won’t be around if nature ever decides to grant me children (doubtful). Losing your mom just as you’re beginning to get it together as an adult is extremely hard. Much harder if you’re a child, I’m sure, but still. I bet when you moved out you still called your mama for advice, recipes, how-tos and just to chat, growing a friendship with that woman who was the bane of your existence in your teen years, but whom now you can’t imagine not having around. I didn’t have that luxury for very long. I miss it dearly. Some days I long for it.

Losing a parent is never easy. It’s a strange feeling. It means that you’re next in line. It means that you’re going it alone. It means that resource, that person who loves you unconditionally is just … gone.

It does get better. My first Mother’s Day without mom was horrible. Being a teacher made it harder, because I had to coordinate Mother’s Day activities when all I really wanted to do was ignore that the holiday even existed.

Today, I can sort of smile knowingly as the neighborhood kids bring home cute projects they made with their own hands for their mama and proudly present them early because they just can’t wait until Sunday.

I hope that in the midst of all of your well-deserved celebrating, you might consider saying a prayer for someone like me – someone who longs to be a mama, but isn’t and longs to spend the day with her own mama, but can’t. For us the day will be extremely hard. Writing this is extremely hard – I’m crying as I type. But it needs to be said.

Those of us without a reason to celebrate don’t want to take away from your joyful time – but we would like to be remembered, hugged, prayed for.

Would you?

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15 Comments

  1. Virtual hugs to you! I just saw something posted in a Hallmark group that I’m in, asking them if they had cards for bereaved mothers. Those who ARE moms, but don’t have living children and feel so sad and alone on Mother’s Day. You are not alone in your situation, and I try to remember that it can be a bittersweet day for many people. I hope you can still enjoy a day thinking about your mom and remembering some of your favorite things about her!

  2. I can’t imagine how you must feel. Thanks for being brave enough to be so painfully honest.

    • Christina Reply

      Thanks Bekah. :) If it can help one other person out there, then it’s worth it.

  3. Kudos to you for writing how you really feel and for being brave enough to put these feelings out there. I couldn’t make it through your post without tears. Hugs and prayers to you and your hubby. <3

    • Christina Reply

      Thank you so much for your sweet comment Shannon. I didn’t mean to make people cry! :)

  4. C, this post speaks to me because as you know it’s my first MD without my mom here. Totally teared up reading it, feeling for you. And it’s my first MD as a mom – for which I am so thankful, but at the same time, is bittersweet becuase I can’t celebrate it with her, all three generations of us. I will definitely say a prayer for you and people like you. I actually send little prayers/wishes out to the universe for you often, wishing that something wonderful happens for you and you become a mother. When I’m having a hard time with the baby and feeling grumpy, I think of you and people in your shoes and the fact that the baby is a blessing,, and it helps put my grumpiness in perspective. I hope this makes sense.

    • Christina Reply

      It totally does. The first Mother’s Day without your mom is going to be the worst, but I promise you that it gets better. And I am confident she is watching over you and Miss M. <3

  5. Sending you a big, big hug, my friend. Thank you for sharing your heart with those who need to hear what you have to say. My prayers are with you :)

  6. I lost my mom last year and it’s been so hard not getting to call her with all life’s questions and have her near me for life’s big and small celebrations!!! Saying a prayer and asking God to bring sparks of joy to your life in new and unexpected ways!!!

    • Christina Reply

      Thank you for the prayers Aimee! I promise you that it does get better over time. And you will find that your mom is still around in small and special ways. :)

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