This is a photo of my husband Adam and me during our first dance on our wedding day three years ago today. I love this picture because I am completely and utterly relaxed in his arms. And I was. It’s one of the rare times when I am.
In the past year, I’ve struggled a lot. Feeling like you’re losing your mind is hard. Being diagnosed and living with depression is hard. Suffering through anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder is hard. Brain disorders suck. But as much as it’s been hard for me, I mean really hard, I sometimes wonder if he had it worse.
There were days when I know that he didn’t quite know how to handle what I was dealing with or how I was irrationally feeling. Taking me to the ER during a massive anxiety attack can’t have been easy.
But he tried so hard. Oh how he tried.
When I didn’t have the motivation to feed myself…he fed me.
When I didn’t want to get out of bed, he’d listen and help me up.
When I cried uncontrollably for no real reason other than screwed up brain chemistry, he held me…even at 2 in the morning when he should really have been asleep.
When I had meltdowns because of the OCD and could no longer control my anxiety, he rubbed my back, made me shower (so I could calm down) or rushed home from work to help me move from the spot I was stuck in.
When I couldn’t physically speak because I was too upset and too mired in being afraid, he waited patiently…often scared that I couldn’t seem to get my words out or my tongue to work. But he waited.
When I didn’t want to exist anymore, he refused to let me give up. He refused to let me feel worthless.
It’s largely due to him that I got help. It’s because of him that I was brave enough to admit that I could no longer control my brain (a scary prospect) and that I was strong enough to seek treatment.
It’s because of him that I’m doing better and motivated to keep working on it. My depression may never be fully gone, and because of it, I’m at a greater risk of relapse.
But I know one thing. I know that no matter what comes, no matter how dark the depression may seem, he’ll be there for me. He’ll hold me up and hold my hand and take care of me when I can’t take care of myself.
Today is our third wedding anniversary. It’s been one hell of a year. There’s nothing I can do to thank him enough. There’s nothing I can say that will repay him for saving my life. But I thought this came close.
Happy Anniversary Adam. I love you.